2004-12-05 - 2:24 p.m.
wisp

i think i'm just gonna take some time off from people. a hiatus, if you will.

i'm not going to go live in the garage and eat crickets for the next thirty years, i'm just going to spend some time--a couple days? a few weeks? several months?--just going to school, work, and occasional meetings.

well, no. of course i'll still go other places, i'll just do it alone, and functionally. i will always have a motive in leaving the house, and it will be a motive that i can accomplish on my own. i will still go to the library and barnes and noble and the video store and the liquor store and the gas station and various fast food establishments, and i will still speak to my co-workers and customers, and i may even go to meetings. just no more of this going out with people night after night after night. cutting class to hang out with people. driving forty miles for drugs with people (oh, last night was the fucking worst. the kid gives me five bucks for gas, tells me we're heading for costa mesa, right by my school. i'm like, ok, five bucks'll get me there and back. but nooooo, we're going out to irvine. and all around, in tustin and orange and everywhere, picking people up. not that he tells me any of this. he just says, "go here" and then "go here" and at the end he's so stoned and drunk that he can't give proper directions--as in, "turn left here" when i'm stopped directly in front of a red light in the right lane, or "yeah, that was the turn about two miles ago," etc.--and as a result i arrive home forty minutes late with no drugs and just hating people in general, which of course clashes with the crush i've developed on robert's slutty genius ex-girlfriend jessica over the course of the evening) (holy shit that was long). drama with people. shitty sex with people. all my problems right now have to do with motherfucking people.

no money: gas to get from here to there to everywhere, food for everyone because i'm a fucking bleeding-heart pussy when it comes to refusing anyone anything.

frustration: people are idiots. late for class all the time: sleeping in because i was out late getting stoned and popping painkillers.

et cetera. et cetera. et motherfucking cetera.

i think a lot of good can come from some time spent alone. note emerson. note the crazy hermit with a heart of gold in every sappy made-for-TV western flick. i'm fucking serious. i'll save money. i'll be able to buy shoes. and pants. and makeup. i'll be able to buy full tanks of gas. i'll be able to buy the fancy lunches at school. i'll be able to buy coffee every fucking day. i'll be able to buy whole cartons of cigarettes. oh, it'll be the life!

i kind of want to shave my head. maybe leave a long wisp in front and dye it green and red for christmas--that'd be awesome. i could wear lipstick and my purple homecoming/prom dress or dickies tucked into boots with it and turn myself, if no one else, on. more wifebeaters, every day. overalls. short skirts and fishnets. saran wrap. but the best part will be the hair.

shit, i can't do that, i have to work. never-fucking-mind.

well i can still get new clothes.

i'm rambling so much right now. i'm really stoned. check ya later, gators.

- rachel

ooh, you touch my tra-la-la... mmm, my ding-ding-dong