2005-01-16 - 4:16 p.m.
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i've been too afraid to tell anyone about this, but it seems as though i'm slinking yet again into the mire of angst and ennui in which i languished all through high school.

strange things are happening to me. last night i had a panic attack. it scared the shit out of veronica and has caused me considerable worry. i cannot help but think that, had i been alone, something quite awful and irreversible would have happened.

outwardly i maintain some semblence of normality. i smile and laugh. i have friends. i drink beer and smoke cigarettes and watch cartoons.

but the facade is cracking and i don't know how long i can keep it up. i fly into uncontrollable rages--it takes next to nothing to set me off. i live in a state of constant agitation. nothing is right. i crave something that doesn't seem to exist.

today i slept until noon, but i wish i'd slept longer. all through the day. all through the night. forever.

- rachel

ooh, you touch my tra-la-la... mmm, my ding-ding-dong